As a general rule, I try not to be a scumbag. This means I’m committed to safeguarding your privacy. Plus, this kind of makes me sound like a super hero. The Safeguarder of Privacy. Don’t want to mess with that dude.
I’m like a greedy little goblin that receives, collects and stores any information you enter on my website or provide me in any other way such as subscribing to my newsletter. In addition, depending on my mood, I may collect the Internet protocol (IP) address used to connect your computer to the Internet; login; e-mail address; password; computer and connection information and purchase history. I may use software tools to measure and collect session information, including page response times, length of visits to certain pages, page interaction information, and methods used to browse away from the page. If I happen to see you spent way too long on a page with my photo on it, I will most likely assume you have a crush on me. I also collect personally identifiable information (including name, email, password, communications); payment details (including credit card information), comments, feedback, product reviews, recommendations, and personal profile.
I collect such Non-personal and Personal Information for the following purposes:
To get my writing into the right hands and become a best-selling author. Won’t that make you feel good to say you were a part of that. I know I’m all tingly just thinking about it.
To provide you customer assistance and technical support because I care like that.
To be able to contact you with general or personalized service-related notices and promotional messages. Because really what better gift can I give you then telling you all about me and my books.
To create aggregated statistical data and other aggregated and/or inferred Non-personal Information, which I may use if I knew what any of those words really meant. I suppose I should ask my wife, but instead I’ll act all high and mighty and say all I want to do is write books and sell them and not deal with law stuff. But yes, I am still collecting your info. Reminds me of 25 Perfect Days. You should read it. Or listen to it.
To comply with any applicable laws and regulations. Because going to jail sucks. Same with fines. But mainly because I want to be a better person and a good citizen. Nothing better than being a good citizen, right?
My company is hosted on the Wix.com platform. Wix.com provides me with the online platform that allows me to sell my products and services to you. Although saying it that way sounds like they’re just doing me a solid favor. Not at all the case. They are a great hosting platform but I pay per month just like everyone else. That said, your data may be stored through Wix.com’s data storage, databases and the general Wix.com applications. They store your data on secure servers behind a firewall. That sounds impressive. Also reminds me of my short story, "The Infidels’ Prayer." Lots of fire in that one.
All direct payment gateways offered by Wix.com and used by me adhere to the standards set by PCI-DSS as managed by the PCI Security Standards Council, which is a joint effort of brands like Visa, MasterCard, American Express and Discover. PCI-DSS requirements help ensure the secure handling of credit card information by my store and its service providers.
I may contact you via email to poll your opinions through surveys or questionnaires, to send updates, or just to say what’s up because I’m cool like that.
Now on to the cookies. My favorite are oatmeal raisin if you’d like to send me any. As for the kind I collect on my website there are quite a few. Feel free to block them, I swear I won’t be offended.
Here’s where the good news comes in and I do kinda feel like I’m earning that big S on my chest and cape on my back. Safeguarder of Privacy, remember?)
A common practice among marketers and authors is exchanging email lists. I assure I will not do that. Even if they tie me to a chair and start pulling teeth. Just hope they don’t get to my fingernails though because I’m not so sure I wouldn’t blurt out an address or two. Tell you what. Maybe I’ll start sticking small needles under my fingernails every morning just to better prepare me. Your information shall not be exchanged. Not even for a shiny new toy. Although I was just at Target and saw this really cool Lego Avengers set. Oh yeah, my birthday is in August.
If you don’t want to be contacted with the newsletter anymore you can unsubscribe or email firstname.lastname@example.org
And if you would like a copy of your data or for me to not use your data anymore and delete your account please email your request to email@example.com
The process can take 2-3 days from the time I submit the request to Wix. When I receive your data file or get confirmation your data has been deleted I will send you an email. And I swear I won’t address you by any inappropriate names.
And because I am the ultimate ruler of this website, I bow down to no one, except the GDPR, the FTC, and just about anyone else with some cool initials. Oh no, I just had a huge self-revelation. My initials are MAT. No wonder I’ve always been stepped on.